


By Your Side

by supernaturaltimemachine



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, I think?, Insecurity, Jealous Martin Blackwood, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Spoilers, Pining Martin Blackwood, Season/Series 05, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, i wrote this at midnight to get my feelings out, no beta we die like men, that's all this is, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26386747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturaltimemachine/pseuds/supernaturaltimemachine
Summary: Statement of Martin Blackwood regarding some of his insecurities. (Set somewhere in season 5)
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	By Your Side

"Statement of Martin Blackwood to The Archivist, i don’t know what day it is, the apocalypse? You know what I mean. 

Alright. So. [SIGHS] I’ve been trying to be helpful. You understand that, right? I’m just trying to be a good boyfriend-or partner, or whatever we are at this point-but it’s really  _ hard _ for me.

Everyone’s counting on you. You’ve got superpowers and you’re the avatar of the god of the apocalypse. You make monsters shake in their boots. Me, I’m just Martin. 

I don’t want to be jealous. Really. I feel awful just thinking some of the things I have. But I just… I wish I mattered more. To you. To anyone, really. I wish anything I did meant something.

It’s him, Jon. The Lonely. Whenever you go off to read a statement or talk to Basira or do whatever the hell else it is you’ve been doing, I hear him again. And it’s not like he’s  _ here _ or anything, obviously if he actually showed up you would know, but it’s more like a feeling, I guess? I get this knot in my stomach and all I can hear in my head is that I’m better off without you, and I could never mean as much as your statements, and you have so many other people to choose from, and-and…

You’re always so, agh, damn, I hate to say it because I understand why, of course I do, I’ve been by your side through all of it, but honestly if you hadn’t invited me to live with you I wouldn’t have believed you liked me at all. You never  _ say _ it. For all the talking you do, I could count on one hand the times you’ve  _ implied _ that you cared about me. I just wish that you’d tell me you loved me once in a while. 

You know I care about you. I mean I say it all the time so I’d assume you do by now but I also know how dense you can be and, well, I don’t know, I guess I need to reassure myself sometimes. 

That’s understandable, right? 

It’s so awful.  _ I’m _ so awful. God. I sound like a needy housewife. [MOCKING, HIGH PITCHED VOICE] You never tell me you love me anymore. Is it something I did? [MELANCHOLY LAUGHTER] 

You know what the worst part is? It’s how great I feel when you’re around. I truly do love you. The look in your eye when you’re about to do something incredibly stupid. How hard you try to do the right thing. The way your voice sounds when you’ve just woken up and you aren’t The Archivist, you’re just you. I love you. 

Why do I do this to myself? It’s been so long and I just keep running back to you because nowhere else feels right, and even if you don’t care about me and you only keep me around to make tea, at least I can make you the best tea I can, because when I make you happy I feel like I matter to someone, even if it’s only that much. 

I’m sorry. I’m not asking for your sympathy or anything I just, I’m just tired, and I wish you would see how much I care for you, and I wish you would care for me that way, and I wish the world was normal and we could go on a date at the cinema like a regular couple and argue about which movie to see and that I didn’t have to hold this all in because if you listened that means you cared more about me than the damn apocalypse and that just isn’t reasonable, is it?

God. 

Maybe Peter was right. 

Ah, well, I think I see you coming now. And you’ve got a- 

Jon?

What the hell is that?

Oh, er, statement ends."


End file.
